Dealing With My Demons

About two months ago I decided I was going to start making the conscious effort to dress slightly more my age and a lot less….blah.  I was tired of looking frumpy and/or like an 18 year old.  There is nothing wrong with being 18 mind you but I certainly am not so I really need to stop looking like I am.  I had always known I had no sense of style and that I wasn’t very girly but I didn’t really hit me until some time last year.

I was walking to class and I happened to walk past a very reflective glass wall and I caught a glimpse of myself.  It stopped me dead in my tracks and I nearly burst into tears.  I looked like a boy.  No, I know boys that look better without even trying.  I was wearing boyish cargo Bermuda shorts, a tshirt and Merrells.  My hair was in a long ponytail and I didn’t have an ounce of make up on…..or an ounce of appeal.   That’s when I really realized I needed to do something.  Of course, I had only just started my weight loss journey (again!) so I was still pretty chunky (not that I am not chunky now).  My excuse always was “I am fat and it’s hard to find cute fat clothes”  Well, what about all those big girls with great sense of style and fashion that look so awesome all the time (I happen to know a few!)?  What about them? How can they look so good and I can’t?  Of course they weren’t the problem, the problem was me.

Still, it took me a few more months before I got over the “I’m going to wait until I lose this many pounds, then I’m going to start dressing girlier.”  As a matter of fact, it took me until some time in late November.  Then I went on a make up buying…and learning how to use…frenzy.  Do you have any idea how expensive make up is???  But I digress.  I started putting make up on every day just to try it and practice, dressing less frumpy with what I had, etc.  Mind you, at this point I had lost over 20 pounds so I was feeling much better about myself.

Then the new semester started in January and I was actually forced to leave the house on a daily basis.  Lucky for me, all my fat, frumpy clothes were way too big so again, I was forced to buy or make more and I purposely went out of my comfort zone.  I still have no sense of style and have a lot of body issues but I think I’m getting better.  There are some things I still won’t wear and probably won’t until I get to my goal weight and have some nips and tucks (yup) but the weight loss, change in outlook and determination have definitely opened a world of opportunities and change for me, both physical and emotional.

I don’t own a full length mirror so whenever I want to see what I look like before I go out the door (who wants to leave the house looking like a clown???) I get Matt to take a picture of me.  I often worry if I am overdressed for the occasion (going to school mainly) but I think that’s probably because I’m not used to it yet.   Besides, I don’t go anywhere else as I don’t have a job, if I don’t dress smart for school, then I’ll never dress smart!  These are two recent outfits.  The dress was from Saturday evening (dinner at Chili’s) and the other outfit is from this morning.