I should be studying for my math test tomorrow or getting ready to go to class but instead I’m sitting here looking at pictures and sulking. I’ve known this for a while but it just hit me like a ton of bricks…..my mojo is gone.
I used to be a pretty good travel photographer. I’d spend time planning shots, waiting for the right moment, testing exposures, etc before I executed the shot. I was good, not the best, but I was good. Then I decided to try to make a living doing what I loved, photography, and went into wedding photography. It took some practice, guidance and a lot of second shooting but I was good at wedding photography too. Not the best, but I was good. Then I moved back to the US and left the business and the weddings behind.
I didn’t shoot anything other than bad food pictures for a long time. I always thought that when I had a baby I’d have a camera attached to my hand most of the time and that I’d take beautiful pictures of him pretty much on a weekly basis. Then I had said baby and I couldn’t have been more wrong. Looking back at the pictures I did take I realize I have nothing but bad, bad snapshots. They are pictures I’m ashamed to call my own. I have no beautiful portraits of my child and it bothers me to no end. Even the professional pictures I paid for, which I could have done much better if I had applied myself, are disappointing.
I am heartbroken, I can’t have all those beautiful moments with my baby again. I can’t turn back time and do things differently. I will never ever have the opportunity to photograph my baby the way I always envisioned. I had the opportunity and let it slip through my fingers.
I cannot remember the last time I picked up a camera and took a picture that took my breath away. I try, especially with my food blogging, but I am unable to get past the mediocrity that has taken over me. I no longer even had the desire to go out and shoot. Why bother? It will be bad anyway. All of my photo gear sits in a closet probably never to be used again. Lights, lenses, filters, cameras, all witnesses to the distant memory of the thing I called my passion. All reminding me that I am not, and will probably never be, even the shadow of what I used to be.
Life is never quite the same after kids arrive! They consume so much time and as you say “I’d spend time planning shots, waiting for the right moment, testing exposures, etc before I executed the shot.” All just too time consuming!
On the positive side think just what you are succeeding in doing: raising a kid, going to college, feeding a husband etc etc.
Personally, I would say on reflection, looking back at the photos of my kids, that the memory that the photo invokes is of far greater import than the quality of the photo 🙂
Your mojo has not gone, just changed……
Get that camera out!!! There is still time. Better late than never. Stop being heartbroken! You can still take incredible images (I know because I’ve seen them) and you can start now by documenting his life in a special way that no one else ever would able to. Just let go, and have fun.