Yesterday while getting a small, rarely used, camera ready to take a book signing (more on that later), I came across some pictures that were taken on a cruise we went to last year. The pictures were from exactly one year ago to the day. I looked at them and my first reaction was to hold my breath. I could not believe that I looked like that. My next thought was “Why and how did I ever let myself get like that?” At the time, I didn’t think I looked that bad. I was in denial.
At that point, I had been on medication for my post partum depression for about 4 or 5 months and those tend to make you gain weight but believe me, I did not get that way in 4 months. I had actually put on 20 pounds since I had my son a mere 10 months before. I was at my heaviest, ever. I suspect I was a couple of pounds away from 170 pounds. I was 168 when I started Weight Watchers in August. I am only 5’1.5″ so 168 is enormous. I look at those pictures and I’m disgusted with myself. It’s a miracle to me that my husband, who met me when I weighed a mere 123 pounds, put up with me, stayed with me and still LIKED me when I ballooned to reach obese status. I am baffled but thankful.
Unfortunately, I was not one of those lucky “fat” (for lack of a better word) but happy people. I know some of those and I envy them. No, I was fat and miserable. It was, and still is, a vicious cycle. I was fat because I ate but I ate because I felt shitty about being fat. It is a hard cycle to break and I’m so very glad that I was able to break it and hopefully for good. I could not have done it without the help and support of husband who didn’t sugarcoat my issues but didn’t make me feel like shit about it either. He told me straight to my face that yes, I was fat but that I was still me and I was still the woman he fell in love with. A husband who told me that my weight didn’t define me as a person but wholeheartedly supported me in losing it and even did Weight Watchers with me, shedding some of his own weight. Thank you, I know you are reading.
So, without further ado, here are the pictures. They are exactly a year and over 30 pounds apart (and a tummy tuck). I still have some weight to lose, about 15 pounds or so, and it shows, especially in my upper arms but it’s like day and night.